faded memories

atresia

2009-05-16T14:01:00.001-07:00

when he asked her for her hand, and
her heart
she ripped her heart out with her hand
and handed both to him

"this is my hand for you to hold,
this is my heart for you to keep
for as long as you want
or as long as you need."

men, they play sports. they play rough
her heart had fallen out of his pocket
countless times
a chipped edge every
time it touched the ground

like having something new to hold
for the very first time
he used to piece the broken edges
together and binded them
with tape

the more her heart fell the more
chips it lost
some were so tiny he
could never get them back

in time her heart became smaller
and the pieces harder
to piece
like a jigsaw puzzle
the greater the number of
pieces the harder it is
to fix

there is a hole in her heart
doctors called it
septal defect
he went back to search for the
missing pieces
he tried elastoplast

he gave the heart back to
her because it was no
longer whole

she is only 21.

she now has to live with a
heart and its
hole.

behind closed doors

2009-02-28T06:08:00.001-08:00

day:
springtime guarantee of sunshine and happy smiles and a constant stream of people surrounding me engaged in incessant chatter that is lost on me as nothing but a resounding buzz. pompous lecturers with an overenthusiastic zest for eyes speak fast and i gaze straight ahead at the projection screen convincingly concientiously but my mind a complete blank. yet i relish the happy business around me that i refuse to partake in and want nothing but to soak up the feeling of life around me.

night:
stereotypical association of darkness with silence and solitude that i always fall prey to, and so does my mood, to the solace i have been trying to get used to. this is when silence gets unbearably deafening and the million thoughts running through my head like high speed bullets jab unmercilessly into the hard skeleton of my head. it never gets easier to bear, or more comfortable.
only more pain.

expiry

2009-02-09T01:21:00.000-08:00

1. the milk carton has been sitting dormant on the side door of the fridge for a while now. one thing about buying a big 2-pint bottle of milk for one-- it may be cheaper, but it never gets finished.

2. 3 weeks of the glorious sun, sand, sea. it was time he finished up with his leave of absence and returned to the cold hard reality that was the corporate world.

3. sometimes i wonder what it'll be like to make a clean slit across the part of my arm where i can see blue veins coursing like little streams leading to the ocean, into my palm. streams of red. it could be beautiful.

4. taste&smell: does not smell sour. mm taste fine. pour it in a cup.

5. somewhere a baby make its first cry. its very own signal to the world that it was here.
somewhere a man exhales his last breath.
inhale. exhale. expire.

6. i wonder what it'll be like to die.
it may be awfully similar to sleeping.

7. now i've got a stomachache.

unspoken

2009-02-08T14:09:00.000-08:00

1. egg white omelet stuffed with asparagus and brown button mushrooms, silent, still on a plate. fork and knife in apposition, married by equal and opposite forces. adorn the prongs with bite sized morsels of eggs, with a tiny silver of asparagus and a slice of mushroom. big dollop of ketchup. silently chew, silently.

2. i saw jim taking the colour pencil from juliet's bag and putting it in his pocket.

3. i fell down and scraped my knee. i see the blood trickling down. slow like honey, red like the magnificent rays of sunlight on a good partially cloudy day at 6.34pm. pain. i feel pain.
but i do not cry.

4. in a hotel with torn wallpaper and cheap looking wooden frames surrounding what cannot really be called art, found only along the dirty alleys only locals would come to know of if they looked hard enough, hushed sighs of unmistakable lust echoed every wall painted in the tackiest shade of teal. the tangle of bodies, and the separation. sweat in between. sweat, staining the sheets that looked white but could not be clean. a minute of silence. then pants were replaced, boots zipped up, a few 10 dollar notes strewn on the mismatched, red mattress.
no explanation, no sequelae.

5. in a room painted with the gentlest shade of eggshell, candles flickering with every hint of the cool winter breeze..was it green tea in the air?
an arch of his back drove her into pure ecstasy. a few more-- groans and moans stifled unsuccessfully. no words needed be spoken. it was times like these where actions really spoke louder than words.
he clasped her fingers in his hand and pushed it deep into the bed next to her hair, thrusting furthur, deeper, steering both minds and hearts into a complete climax.

peeled himself off her and they lay side by side.

she had so much to say, she felt every emotion course through her veins and there was one exceptionally strong one -- all the love anyone could possibly feel, she felt.

yet ironically, as her heart burst with an overflow of affection, her mouth had to be sewn shut.
this was the hardest lesson she'll ever have to learn.

6. mary was kissing jack. karen cried in the kitchen.